


The musings of a dying star.

by Myheartisblack



Category: Endgame - Fandom, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), Spiderman comics, infinity war - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, PTSD, Past Sexual Assault, Peter Parker centric, Suicidal Thoughts, self harm mention, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 10:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19355596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myheartisblack/pseuds/Myheartisblack
Summary: The war is over, and everybody is recovering steadily. Everyone except for a small spider.  Maybe it’s time for the happy go lucky spider to break down.





	The musings of a dying star.

**Author's Note:**

> It’s so angsty , I’m so sorry. I had this idea that everybody lives and peter is just fading away. A part of me is excited for Far From Home to see Spider-Man break down and rebuild himself. Anyways hope this is semi decent.

It wasn’t his fault. Well it wasn’t completely his fault. He was a kid only for a short amount of time. He mourns his younger self on days like these. On the days where he has only the shadows and ghosts to comfort him.

 

Everything was so small and bad in the beginning but then they kept growing bigger and worse until it was just too much. With every loss and every tear he shed , another chip in his armor appeared.

 

Maybe he is just an ungrateful kid, and who is he kidding all he is a useless one, after all. His aunt and uncle were happy and unburdened before he showed up. Then he killed Ben and made May cry. And now here he is wishing to be apart of another family?

 

How selfish is he? How pathetic of a hero is he deep down? Sometimes when he shuts his eyes too tight he can feel the ghost of his father’s hands in his shoulders. The double edged sword is sometimes he feels Skip.

 

It doesn’t matter what he feels really. Usually these days he’s more into not feeling. Flashbacks of all the battles he fought, the scars he gained, and the persistent feeling of turning to dust. The nothingness would swallow him whole until he was just a speck.

 

If it was just him that Thanos snapped he wouldn’t have minded too much. But it was half the world and that’s not cool at all. Tony wouldn’t have lost his arm and maybe he’d be happier. Who knows what could’ve happen.

 

Maybe if he wasn’t so jealous that he wasn’t Tony’s kid , he wasn’t even May’s kid either and that hurt so bad, then he could let it go. But he loved tony so much with all his heart. Maybe that’s why it hurt to realize that despite the fact he visits every other week he doesn’t actually belong.

 

Family dinners, and movie nights didn’t include him. It was fine really. Peter Parker knew that he was too smart and damaged to let them watch him fall. It still hurts no matter how much he analyzes it. No matter how many criminals he puts away, how many times he screams himself raw, rips open his skin. He’s still himself at the end of the day.

 

Maybe he’s over reacting, he’s prone to over analyze things right? It’s just his adhd and depression messing him up again. Right? That’s wishful thinking he can’t let himself fall for. Let’s use logic right? The world problem is if a Peter Parker declines for a whole month stay and then falls of the side of building does he make a sound?

 

Did he make a sound when he was dusted? Did he cry when a building was shoved on top of him? When his only friend violated him? Peter Parker exists mainly on sound itself. Every thing he does has a reason and a noise. It’s a shame nobody’s around to listen.

 

He longs for death, which is so selfish considering how many people he couldn’t save. He wants to go to graveyard and scream at the graves and make them understand his guilt and sorrow. His pain. It wouldn’t help though , it would only make the weight of living heavier.

 

School was on break just for him. Flash tried him, and he’s so tired, that he snapped. Just like he snapped Flash’s nose. When the school treated to invoke action, Peter brought out a single flash drive containing years of Flash’s behavior. Needless to say the school was happy to blow things over with little to no warning.

 

All he had to do was online work and submit it daily. It didn’t matter that he completed everything already and set a timer so it automatically submits everything for him. It didn’t matter how May and everyone around him didn’t even notice or care that he didn’t go to school anymore.

 

What’s dead should stay dead. It’s inhuman to disrupt the dead. He was a poor excuse for a human, a monster maybe, more close to spider than human. His mutation enhanced again and everything was so much more complicated. The void was calling after all.

 

Peter Parker sits on top of an abandoned tall building and looks at the city lights from afar, and walks the type-rope between life and death. Imagines of families that were never his to keep. Flashes of the people he failed to save. Pictures of his countless mistakes. 

 

He’s smarter then he gives himself credit for though. Deep in his bones he knows the only one who can save him is himself now. It’s a shame really for a star to be wasted on his life. The collapsing star in his chest freezes as he pulls himself down and home.

 

People needed Spider-Man for now. Maybe tomorrow or someday soon he’ll climb to the roof and let himself be free. Maybe he’ll belong somewhere, whether in death or in life. But for now he lives in his constant state of nothing or everything.


End file.
